


Curse the Radio (Shots)

by osaycanyousolo



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, Harli Frienship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-11
Updated: 2015-08-11
Packaged: 2018-04-14 02:42:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4547097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/osaycanyousolo/pseuds/osaycanyousolo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The radio in Hope’s car betrays her and she starts thinking of Kelley, right before she’s supposed to have lunch with Carli. Hope does her best to push away the feelings that surround her, but will it be enough to convince Carli that nothing’s wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Curse the Radio (Shots)

_I'm sorry for everything, oh everything I've done_  
From the second that I was born  
It seems I had a loaded gun  
And then I shot, shot, shot a hole through everything I loved  
Oh, I shot, shot, shot a hole through every single thing that I loved

            Hope’s hand twitched on the steering wheel, her first impulse was to change the XM station, but decided that maybe this was something she needed to endure. She’d heard the song before, Kelley loved Imagine Dragons. The lyrics had struck her the first time she’d heard them and she’d done everything in her power to avoid the song from then on. But like most truths, it followed her, and announced its presence when she least expected it.

_Oh, I'm going to mess this up_  
Oh, this is just my luck  
Over and over and over again

            Hope tightened her grip on the wheel and clenched her jaw. _Nope, fuck it, can’t do it,_ she thought as she slammed her hand against the power button on the stereo. _Fucking feelings._

            “I don’t have time for this shit. Get a grip Solo,” she muttered to herself as she pulled off the highway, heading downtown. She was on her way to meet Carli for lunch. The Dash were in town to play her Reign and Hope wasn’t going to miss the chance to see Carli, even if she would still be sitting out courtesy of her injured knee. She’d been sidelined for more than a month and she knew it was starting to eat at her. She also knew that Carli would know right away that something was wrong. _Goddamn radio._

            Without her permission, her thoughts drifted back a month to the weeklong victory celebration. It had been a whirlwind of celebrating and interviews and parades and ridiculous happiness and her teammates and Kelley. Hope felt a familiar twinge in her stomach. She hated thinking about the twinge and the damn thing reared up whenever she thought about Kelley. It was Kelley’s twinge and she hated it because it was always a mix of happiness and guilt. Happiness when she recalled the feeling of Kelley’s lips against her own and guilt for, god so many things. The guilt was always the strongest.

            Not only was Hope married, albeit less than happily, but she had done this to Kelley over and over and over again. Just like the fucking song. She could hear the lyrics again, even with the offending radio firmly off, _I can't have you and I'm only gonna do you wrong_. She shook her head quickly, trying to get the last image of Kelley out of her head. She gritted her teeth and tried to think of anything else, baseball, the dog park, squirrels… _Goddamn it!_

            The memory hit her like a sucker punch. “ _Bye Hope_ ,” _Kelley’d said nonchalantly, like they just hadn’t spent their last night in New York together in the same bed. She was leaving for New Jersey with Christie, while Hope was still packing for her afternoon flight to Seattle._

_“See ya kid. Safe travels. Score some goals for me, kay?” Hope had replied, watching Kelley put her bag over her shoulder. Kelley had just nodded and given Hope a half smile that didn’t reach her eyes. Kelley turned quickly and left the room without another word. The door clicking behind her announced the end of their time together again. Hope had dropped her head into her hands, fighting against the burning in her eyes. Kelley had been quick to leave, but not quick enough to hide the almost imperceptible tremble in her bottom lip that had given her away. Hope had been looking for it, very familiar with Kelley’s tell and Kelley had done her best to hide it, but hadn’t quite succeeded. That little tremble broke Hope’s heart every time._

            Hope pulled into the parking lot and sat for a second with the ignition off, trying to regain some control. She had slipped easily back into her life post World Cup, until today, until that stupid song. And now she had to face Carli, who knew everything. Hope had confided in her about the fling with Kelley during the Olympics three years ago. Well, more accurately, Carli had harassed her into confessing after she had caught a glimpse of them shooting lust daggers at each other at dinner one night. Carli had teased her and pushed her in Kelley’s direction this summer as well and Hope was fairly sure that the shit eating grin Carli gave her the morning after the final meant she also knew who had shared her bed.

            Hope took in a deep breath and let a mini scream out into her hands. She tried psyching herself up, like she did for a game, because she knew this was going to be a battle. Not with Carli, but with herself. A battle to try to not give anything away. When she felt confident enough and knew she couldn’t wait any longer, she exited the car and made her way into the café.

            She spotted Carli immediately and Carli must have felt her eyes on her because she turned quickly with a smile. Carli stood to hug her briefly and they exchanged the usual pleasantries until after the waitress took their orders.

            “Well you’ve certainly stayed busy!” Hope said laughing, desperate to keep the conversation off of herself. “And what was that I saw on SportsCenter? A 30 yarder? And it made the Top 10? You’re ridiculous.”

            Carli laughed and shook her head, “Yeah, well you know, when you’re hot, you’re hot. It’s been nice to get back to normal. So speaking of, how’s the knee? For real?”

            Hope shook her head and blew her off, “It’s fine, no big deal. Another week and I’m good.”

            “Uh huh,” Carli replied, momentarily distracted as their food came. Hope immediately dug into her salad, waiting for Carli to keep pushing about her knee. If they could stay on this subject for a while, Hope may be able to get out of this unscathed.

            Carli stared at her calmly, waiting her out. “Seriously, it’s fine. You were there, it was just a mild hyperextension. If it was really that bad would I have been wearing heels for the past month? It just needed time to stabilize,” Hope told her pointedly.

            “Ok, but I don’t think those stilettos you wore to the Nick sports awards were doctor sanctioned. I’m really surprised you didn’t injure yourself further,” Carli replied, finally digging into her own lunch.

            Hope smiled and shook her head, “Whatever, the sacrifices we make for fashion. Hey, I had to dance in heels. A little walking with a bum knee is nothing.”

            “You could have sat out the final you know. Ash would’ve-“ Carli started, but Hope quickly cut her off.

            “Bullshit!” she replied emphatically. “There’s no fucking way I would have missed that game you know it. I would have stood in the box with one leg if I had to.”

            Carli laughed, “Yeah, I know, calm down. All I’m saying is that I had your back. That’s why I put it away early, just so you wouldn’t have to do much.”

            Hope groaned, “God you are so fucking cocky Carli Lloyd. I’m still pissed off about that record. This stupid knee slowed me down. I should have had it.”

            “Oh my god, let it go. We won. We won the World Cup. The World Cup,” Carli replied rolling her eyes.

            “Yeah, thanks to you. No thanks to me,” Hope replied, trying to hide her smile through a clenched jaw.

            “Oh for fuck’s sake! How’s that second golden glove treating you? You keeping it on your beside table next to the other one?” Carli shot back.

            “Mmm. How about that golden ball? You carry it with you everywhere you go and whisper sweet nothings to it as you polish it every night? Do you have it with you right now, huh? Is it in your purse?” Hope retorted, craning her neck to pretend to look into Carli’s purse on the back of her chair.

            “You’re insufferable,” Carli replied with a smile.

            “But you suffer me anyway,” Hope responded with a laugh. They ate in comfortable silence for a while. Hope praying that the friendly banter had covered the lingering feelings from the car. She kept a practiced smile on, mentally searching for other topics that would help avoid the conversation she was dreading.

            Her smile faltered when Carli leaned back in her chair and pursed her lips seriously. Hope held her breath as Carli asked, “So no bullshit, how are you really?”

            Hope shook her head and shrugged her shoulders, “Fine. Really, I’m fine.”

            “Come on Hope, I know you had your shit together in Canada, but now that you’re home and you can’t play, are you really doing alright? Are you back in therapy, because I know you and I know when you’re upset,” Carli said quietly, leaning in. Concern clouded her friend’s features.

            “God Carli, what are you, my fucking sponsor?” Hope replied angrily. Her fuse had always been too short and she regretted the words the second they came out. Carli didn’t react. After this long as friends, Hope knew that Carli would wait her out when she blew up. She took a deep breath and apologized, “Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, I am, it’s helping, with everything. It’s good. I’m good.”

            “Jerramy?” she asked.

            “We’re good. We’re working stuff out,” Hope responded honestly. She was acutely aware that she was teetering on the edge of oblivion. She knew Carli was going to keep pushing unless she could be more convincing. But the problem was that Hope didn’t really know for sure what was wrong with her. The feelings she had put away a month ago had come back with a vengeance. And for what, a song?

            “Good, good,” Carli nodded. “So what is it? Post victory let down? Not being able to train? What?”

            “Yeah, I guess post victory let down maybe and I have been itching to get on the field again. But it’s just been a shitty year. I’m still working through it, you know?” Hope stated, trying to keep emotion out of her voice.

            “Yeah, ok. I get it. It’s easier when you have something to focus on and when you’re with the team,” Carli said, nodding again.

            Hope let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding and gave Carli a small smile, “Yeah.”

            Carli smiled back and teased, “Who knew? Hope Solo loves her teammates. I-“ Hope’s heart stopped for a beat on the word “loves.” The twinge returned like a punch to her gut and she knew instantly that her face had betrayed her. _Shit, shit, shit!_ Carli jumped on it like a pouncing tiger. “Oh my god! It’s the kid, isn’t it? What happened? What did you do?” she practically yelled at Hope. Her sudden outburst turned a few heads in the café.

            Hope clenched her jaw and fixed her stare on Carli, “Jesus Carli keep it down!” Hope closed her eyes and covered her mouth to collect herself. Her mind raced for an excuse, but nothing came.

            “What the fuck happened? Is that why O’Hara left New York so upset? What happened? And don’t deny it, Pinoe said she saw you making out the night of the final and Moe said Kelley looked embarrassed when she came into their room the next morning so I know you spent the night together. And I know you had your own room in New York, so just rip the band aid and tell me,” Carli insisted.

            Hope sighed and resigned herself to the fact that the game was over. _Maybe it’ll help_ , she thought. _Maybe… fuck, no it won’t._ “So, yeah I fucked up again,” she said simply into her hand, looking up, but not quite meeting Carli’s eyes.

            “Again? Did you actually break the kid’s heart or did you just brush it off like it didn’t happen? Again? For like the 4th time,” Carli replied, surprisingly defensive.

            Hope clenched her jaw and stared her down, “Whose side are you on?”

            “To be honest, probably O’Hara’s! It’s not fair what you’ve done to that girl,” Carli replied, crossing her arms. Hope continued to glare at her. Carli was the first to break, “Don’t give me that jaw clenchy thing. I really don’t get why you do this. You’ve had feelings for the kid since London and you guys clearly had something going on this summer and I know you’ve hooked up in between, so why do you do this to yourself? And to her?” Carli paused and shook her head, “Although the kid’s been on a tear lately. She’s scored like three goals since we’ve been back and they kicked our ass last week. She was all over the place.”

            Hope smiled to herself. Maybe O’Hara was taking her words about scoring goals to heart. When she caught Carli waiting expectantly, Hope admitted, “Ok, so we might have left it with me telling her to go score some goals for me.”

            “Hope,” Carli replied almost indignantly. “Seriously? Now the kid is trying to impress you. Do you know how fucked up that is?”

            “What do you want me to say? Yes, we had a thing. Yes, I’m an asshole and we left it pretending it never happened. Again. Yes, I keep doing this to her. And yes Carli, I’m still married and yes, that’s a problem.”

            “Yes, you are married and have been married. And she supposedly has had a boyfriend and a girlfriend and all kinds of other friends since you two have been doing this. As I recall correctly, your husband was a rebound of your first go around with O’Hara,” Carli shot back.

            Hope felt as if Carli had slapped her. She could feel the anger rising quickly to her cheeks. “What’s your point?” she asked pointedly, her voice almost a low growl.

            Carli took a deep breath, as if steeling herself for this next part, and said, “My point is that you’re an idiot. Kelley makes you happy. Like actually happy, not this fake happy shit that you put up for everyone. And you have feelings for her. You’ve had those feelings for her for quite a while. Since London. And they’ve scared you. You don’t want to admit that you may love her. So you pretend it doesn’t exist, except when you’re with her, you can’t. So you give in and then when it’s time to go home, you cut it off again, like it was never there. And then you cry and she cries and the whole damn thing starts over again.”

            “Fuck you,” Hope whispered as she blinked back the tingling in her eyes. She didn’t mean to lash out, but Carli had just hit on the very thing that Hope was trying to deny to herself. And now she knew she couldn’t because Carli could see it, so it must be real.

            “No fuck you. I hate seeing you do this to yourself. You have the right to be happy. After all the shit you’ve gone through, you still deserve happiness, but it can’t happen if you fight it. And maybe it’s not with O’Hara or maybe it is, but maybe try not pushing people away. Some of us care about you. And we want to see you happy,” Carli pushed back.

            Hope gave in involuntary laugh and dabbed at her eyes. “What do I need a shrink for if I have you?” she joked, letting Carli know that they were ok.

            Carli rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Only for you Solo, only for you,” she replied.

            Hope nodded silently and took a steadying breath. She shrugged at Carli, “You’re right. I know you’re right. I don’t know what’s going on with Kelley and me, but I know it hurts every time I think about it. I really fucked it up this time and I really don’t know how many more times she’ll forgive me. I wouldn’t.”

            Carli smiled, “I wouldn’t either. And that’s why in spite of everything you’ve said to the media, you couldn’t marry me Solo. We are too much alike. You need the yin to your yang. The bubbly to your stoic. The hyper to your-“

            “Tread lightly,” Hope warned, shooting her the patented Hope Solo bitch face.

            Carli laughed, “Ok, I’m done. More to the point, stop torturing yourself and call the kid.”

            Hope sighed, “I missed her birthday. She sent me a birthday text and I ignored it. And now we play this weekend. God I’m such an asshole.” Hope covered her face with her hands for a minute before facing her friend again.

            “Yeah you are, but call her. She’ll answer, probably. And if she doesn’t, she’ll call you back. She texted you on your birthday. If you call her, she’ll answer. She’s in love with you,” Carli said calmly.

            Hope just about choked on the water she was sipping. She raised an eyebrow in Carli’s direction. “You think she’s in love with me?”

            Carli laughed again, “Yeah me and everyone else on the team.”

            Hope blushed and looked away. She knew Kelley had feelings for her, but couldn’t really gauge how strong they were. Of course the rest of the team noticed. She played with a bunch of gossips. She remembered the smile on Pinoe’s face when she’d caught them kissing. The entire team was probably aware of what had happened that night. _Jesus, how embarrassing,_ she thought.

            Carli smiled at her reaction. “I’m not going to bore you with the details, but there’s a pool involved. Syd’s running it.”

            “Jesus, of course she is,” Hope replied rolling her eyes.

            Carli quickly checked her watch. “So this has been fun, but I have to get back. I have training this afternoon.”

            “Of course you do, while I sit out gimpily. I got lunch,” Hope responded.

            “Yeah you do after all that shit,” Carli smirked. Hope laughed as she reached for her wallet. They parted with a hug and promised to see each other soon for the first game of the Victory Tour. One that Hope would most likely be sitting out, but she’d be there all the same. She owed that much to her teammates.

            Hope made her way back to the car slowly, knowing that she needed to prepare herself for this call. She owed Kelley way more than an explanation and she wanted to at least make it ok before they had to see each other in person again.

            She waited until she was back on the highway headed out of town before placing the call. “Call KO,” she commanded.

            “Calling KO,” the simulated voice responded chipperly.

            It only took three rings before a tentative, “Hello?”

            Hope’s heart stopped for a beat and the Kelley twinge reared up ferociously. She had one shot to make it right. She needed to make it count. “Hey kid,” she responded calmly.

            “Hey boss,” Kelley replied, with a little less hesitation. Pet names were a good sign.

            “Hey so I wanted to say happy belated birthday. I’m sorry I missed it. I hope it was a good one. And thanks for the birthday text. I’m sorry I didn’t respond,” Hope paused for a second, wanting to get this right. “I’m, uh… I’m really sorry Kell.”

            Hope tightened her hands on the steering wheel, waiting for a response while her heart sat in her throat. Seconds ticked by, they felt like eons. But the phone was still connected so that was a good sign. Hope was on the verge of pulling off the highway when Kelley’s voice filled her car through the speakers, “Thanks Hope.”

            Hope smiled and responded, “I know it hasn’t been that long, but I’ve missed you Kell.”

            Hope could hear the smile in Kelley’s voice when she said, “I’ve missed you too. Only like half a week right? Are you still recovering? Are you coming?”

            The mild desperation she heard in Kelley’s voice sent her heart back down to her stomach. She had a lot of making this right to do. She put on a cheerful voice and replied, “Of course I’m coming! I might not be cleared yet, but I’ll ride the pine like a champ!”

            “You can sit next to me!” Kelley exclaimed, the anxious quiver in her voice suddenly gone.

            “I don’t know O’Hara, I heard about all those goals you’ve been scoring. You’re on fire! Even Carli’s impressed. Chances are I’ll be cheering you on from the sidelines!” Hope responded with enthusiasm.

            Kelley’s laugh filled the car and swelled Hope’s heart. She could feel the smile pulling at her cheeks. “I’ve been trying my best. Somebody reminded me that I’m a goal scorer and I’ve been doing my damnedest to live up to the hype,” Kelley said. Hope could hear the smile in her voice and tiniest tremble of uncertainty.

            “Well I take it on good authority that the person who told you that knew what she was talking about. Now tell me more about the season. I’ve been dying here, waiting for this stupid knee to heal,” Hope replied confidently. Kelley’s easy laugh and deep voice filled the car as she told Hope of her goal scoring heroics. Hope laughed as Kelley described how frustrated Carli was after her Sky Blue team had beaten the Dash in a clear upset.

            The call ended well after Hope had pulled into her driveway. She let the car run as they talked, not wanting to let the feeling of Kelley’s voice surrounding her go. Finally, Kelley ended it when it became apparent that her roommates were going to take her by force to dinner if she didn’t hang up. Hope smiled when Kelley said that she looked forward to seeing her in a few days. She responded with an, “I really have missed you Kell. Knock ‘em dead kid!”

            Hope’s smile was bringing tears to her eyes as they ended the call. She took a shaky breath as she pulled the keys from the ignition. _I’ll see her soon,_ she promised herself as she walked up the front steps of her house.

            She took a quick second to text Carli, _You were right. It went well._

            It only took a few minutes for Carli to respond, _Of course I was. Glad to hear it._

            Hope laughed through her nose at Carli’s confidence. She grabbed her laptop and plopped down on the couch. The Sky Blue v. Dash game was right there waiting for her. She really needed to see the kid in person, but for now, watching her team kick Carli’s ass would do.


End file.
